I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”