Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I am having an out of money experience.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.