doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Some people were born into their job.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.