Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
peep davidson
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My wedding will be open casket.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah