not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
So inspired right now.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.