Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Bros before Ohioes
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
when revenge coincides with naptime
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
What’s so funny?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive