My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
🤣🤣🤣
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I have never related to anyone more.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.