Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
good work, detective
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Brilliant!
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
😅😅😅
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No