My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Human are so complicated
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.