The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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One of the best
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla