[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo