People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive