“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.