When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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Why are bridges so flammable.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
A small tragedy.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.