pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.