“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
A fake ID that makes you younger
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.