A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates