*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.