11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”