Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Did a trash talking tree write this?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
In Canada they just call them geese
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*