eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.