RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored