Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
You Might Also Like
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.