[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times