Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.