Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
A dad and his duck
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s the weekend y’all
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story