Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
This is my brand.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison