I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
john wicks are toilet candles
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what