I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My inexpensive home security system…
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.