*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Who needs an Air Fryer?
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*