there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.