{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Milk Cube
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.