When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I have never related to a cat more
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*