I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.