“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.