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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.