The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.