My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever