Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones