We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
A classic…
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911