Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.