If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”