was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Catering service
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’m having an out of money experience.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?