this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs