violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Money is the root of all wealth
best first i’ve ever seen
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.