out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It鈥檚 like a thrilling live performance of an email
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I鈥檓 a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I鈥檓 still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?