In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You Might Also Like
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
This probably isn’t good
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.