5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Woke up against my better judgment again
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Stonehinge
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving