Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.