Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?